As our story opens (again,) we are on the planet Unix in the country Emacs. We are also in the rather shoddy hut of the mighty wizard Sodacan and his apprentice Loop. Suddenly, and with no prior warning, we undergo a rather disconcerting tense change which left us a bit dizzy and lasted for the rest of the story. "Control, my boy, control is the key!" shouted Sodacan to his poor im- pressionable young apprentice. "Once you have learned control, as I have, you can rule Emacs!!!" Loop was kept from pointing out the rather obvious fallacy in this logic by the fortuitous entrance of two messengers, namely You and Me. (This is what we call an 'interactive story.') While You shouted "Hey look, Ma, I'm on a CRT!!" I gave Sodacan a heavily signed,seal- ed, stapled, folded, spindled, mutilated, and beribboned message from Some- body Important. Then You and I rode off back the way we came, thus ending the interactive phase, so we could settle back and enjoy the story. Meanwhile, Sodacan managed to remove all the signs & seals & such and actually read the missive. "It is just as I feared," he sighed. "The whole world, nay, the whole sun-system is on the verge of crashing. And guess who has been picked from the horde of applicants to save it." " Gee," said Loop, "I didn't even know you'd applied." "I didn't either, which definitely makes me question this Important Person's selection process. But I suppose we should do it." "But do what?" asked Loop. "We can't save the system ourselves." "Ahm. Rhubarhuba. Hmm. Pthbtl. Harmph. Yoho! I've got it!" exclaimed Sodacan. Loop, who thought 'it' was some bizarre illness, rushed off to get a cure disease spell from the fridge. "We shall go see the oracle, and dis- cover from her the location of one of the mighty Syspeople, who often live in worlds of their own. Then we shall journey to the Sysperson and they will save us all!" Loop, having forgotten where the fridge was, came back and was caught up in a fit of patriotic fever that was floating around the room. He immediately set off to start packing. The next day, they set off through the forest in an effort to find the town. Fortunately, they did, but not before they had a couple of mishaps. The first occurred when they took a wrong turn at the fifth oak after the clearing. They suddenly found themselves inbetween a group of adventurers and a large feline, both with obviously malign intent. "Uh-oh," said Loop, beginning to get up a really good panic. However, in a fit of brilliance, Sodacan exclaimed, "Loop, there is a spell you can use here. What is it, and can you use it before our cooks are goosed?" "Oh yeah," said Loop sheepishly, and cast a CTRL-K spell twice. The first one killed the characters, and the second killed the lion. They continued amid the groaning of the old oaks for the remainder of the day, finally camping underneath one that looked like it wouldn't gobble them in their sleep. Fortunately, it didn't, and they resumed their walk the next day with a spring in their insteps. Around noon, they came across a wizened old man muttering something that sounded like " getline(s ,lim) char s[]; int lim; { int c, i; i=0; while (--lim >0) s[i++]=c; return i; }." Loop, the terminally confused, said "Whazzat?" "That, Loop, is a druid. He speaks C, the language of the birds, the flowers, the universe." "Oh." Then, with an obvious effort, the druid switched to Basic and addressed them. "You must hurry! You do not move fast enough. Already the system is tottering! Have you not got your ctrl-U boots with you?" "Yes, but-" began Sodacan. Loop, interrupting him, asked "How did he know who we were?" "A little birdie told him. But, as I was saying, Loop is untrained in their use." "No matter, no matter," replied the druid. "Use them you must." "Alright. Loop," sighed Sodacan, pulling a leather boot out of his bag, "this is a U-boot. With it, every step you take is as four. However, it is easy to screw up while using them, with the result that you may end up going 4, 16, 64, or even 256 times as far as you wish. This is usually disastrous, so beware." "No problem," replied Loop, as he pulled the boots on. "That's why I worry." As the druid slipped back into C, they continued on their journey. With the help of the ctrl-U boots, they soon passed out of the forest and into sight of the town of .Kisherc. As they walked townwards, they passed a little hunchback headed for the church. "Who's that?" inquired Loop, curiously. "That is Quasimodo. He can use only one spell, ctrl-G. Fortunately, the town found work for him." As they continued, Loop asked, "Well, where's the oracle?" with a tone of reverence totally lacking from his voice. "Well," said Sodacan dubiously, "she used to have a small hovel right about here, but it's not here anymore. I guess we'll have to ask. -Hey, you!" he called to a native. "Where's the oracle these days?" "Waal, y'see that there big castle? That's it." "Oh dear," sighed Sodacan, "I'm afraid she's sold out. Oh well, onward!" The pair trooped off to the oracle's new home. When they got there, they found themselves in front of a large, wooden door with an intricate brass knocker which Loop utterly failed to lift. Mean- while, Sodacan found a little button to the side with a label above saying, "PUSH ME." He, of course, did so. Fortunately, it turned out to be the right thing to do, for the door swung open and they found themselves in an entry-hall with a couple of suits of armor and a page standing around. The page asked, politely, "If sirs would follow me?" He led them into a small anteroom with a .login book. NAME QUEST FAVORITE COLOR Launcelot The Holy Grail Blue Sodacan Saving the system Black Loop " " " Green "Thank you. Just go right through that door there." The page directed them into a room just like the last, with another page just like the last, about to ask them for more information, when, in a rare flash of inspiration, Loop hollered "CTRL-V!!" This, of course, got them to the next page. "Very good, Loop," murmered Sodacan. "Just what I was about to do myself." They continued to cast ctrl-vs until they finally found themselves in the presence of a pair of eyes, obscured by mysterious swirls of smoke and other cruft. An eerie voice asked them, "What would you ask of me?" "Oh mighty Oracle," in- toned Sodacan, "we come in search of one of the mighty Syspeople. As you no doubt know, the whole system is on the verge of crashing down in flames. I am on a quest to find a Sysperson to save us all." "I shall find you one, if you can wait but a minute." While the oracle nipped off to do a quick ctrl-S- ctrl-R, Loop busied himself trying to find out how a pair of eyes could speak, or if there was a pair of speakers in the room. Presently, the eyes opened again, and Loop gave a guilty jump. However, they ignored him totally, and a sonorous voice intoned, "I have found a Sys- person, but I cannot get you to her. You will have to go yourselves. I can give you the address." There was a pause while Sodacan fished around for pen- cil and paper, and then the voice continued, "Try /usr/lowis at Goose. She seems to be your best bet. I wish you the best of luck." The eyes closed, and Sodacan announced, "Alright, here we go!" "Just a blinking minute. Where do we go?" demanded Loop. "We are headed far, far away, out of Emacs, out of Unix, out of the system even. We must goto Goose system. Fortunately, the laws there are the same as those in Unix. However, the laws of Unix are not the rules of Emacs. I know both; you, however, do not. Therefore, keep your yap shut and spells in." Sodacan took a deep breath, and then shouted: "CTRL-X CTRL-C TELNET GOOSE!!" Suddenly, a door appeared and a deep voice in- toned, "Trying..." After a small eternity, the door swung open, revealing a scene of gray, foggy confusion. "What's this?" Loop queried, hair standing on edge of darkness. "This, Loop, is a connective web between various sys- tems. It is composed of pure chaos. We must travel this chaos net to get to Goose," explained Sodacan in as simple sentences as he could. "We must?" grumbled Loop. "Yes, so brace yourself. Boldly, now, we shall step forth." And with these brave (and very possibly foolish as all hell) words, Sodacan and Loop set off down their strand of web. As the door faded out of sight, they heard a last call from the oracle: "Beware of wandering bugs!" Then the door disappeared, and they were on their way. Their "way" consisted of nothing like anything they had ever experienced before, but then neither of them had ever been in London on a particularly foggy night. It didn't really look like London, actually; they were surr- ounded by a large amount of gray, with darker patches where there were en- trances to other systems, and far off in the distance another occasional /usr on their way to some bizarre destination. They walked for what seemed like forever, but what a wandering something called mc told them was only 02:15:24 hrs., until they finally made some kind of turn on their strand and arrived before a great big old snail-infested beech with a big shaggy (snailless) man standing underneath it. He growled at them menacingly and prepared to slice them up into itty bitty bits with his Ginsu. "Oh fish," muttered Sodacan,"this must be one of those wandering bugs the oracle told us about, although if it's a cockroach, it sure don't look like one." Meanwhile, Loop, forgetting Soda- can's earlier admonitions, let out with a ctrl-D. When the big shaggy Japan- esish-looking fellow didn't disappear, he tried again. And again. And several more times, while Sodacan suddenly realized what was happening and frantically shushed him up. Suddenly, a whole bunch of slugs fell out of the tree ontop of the shaggy fellow, knocking him cold. "Well, I did something, but what did I do?" wondered Loop. Meanwhile, Sodacan was inspecting the mess on and around the tree. "Well, in Unix proper, when you cast a ctrl-D, it gets you out of your current shell. Since the only shells around here were snailshells, we ended up with a whole mess of confused gastropods, who then fell out of the tree in confusion, with the result that this fellow got slugged good." "Look! Up ahead! What's that?" ejaculated Loop. "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's..." "You were right the first time," said Sodacan wearily. "It's the entrance to Goose. C'mon, let' go." Soon, they emerged from the murky gray of the web of chaos into a sunny glade, with squirrels chattering angrily and birds sing- ing and all that general noise that accompanies a forest glade. Shouting to be heard above the din, Loop hollered "Where do we go from here? I mean, I know we hafta find /usr/lowis, but how?" "Just a minute; I'll try a finger." "I've always liked frog legs, myself," said Loop help- fully. "*#$@gz$9!!bhEt^That's NOT what I meant," said Sodacan. "Here, let me demonstrate. It's a spell." "Oh," said Loop, and concentrated on feel- ing foolish while Sodacan fingered out that /usr/lowis lived in THAT directi- on. After a quick tea, they set off again, through the river and over the woods, and soon were there. "There" was a large shoe in the middle of a clearing, with a large brood of kids running around causing general pandemonium. "Huh? What are we doing visiting the little old lady who lives in the shoe?" asked Loop, the terminal- ly confused (again.) "Well, we obviously need someone to boot the system, and who better than her to do it?" As Loop groaned, a wizened old woman came out of the shoe and asked, in a high, cackly voice, "How can I help you, my friends? Seek you nostrums or potions, spells or mysticisms? Well, I don't have them. Go away." "Wait!" exclaimed Sodacan. "Are you not, in reality, a Sysperson? We need your help, for our home system is on the verge of flaming out." The crone shushed them frantically, and said, "Yes, but don't let it out. Sys- people aren't always too popular. Why don't you come in and we'll have a bite of tea?" They discussed their various problems over the promised solid (rather gooey, really,) tea, and hit upon an arrangement. Leaning out an eyelet, the old lady bellowed, "Henry! Get in here!" Soon an urchin came charging into the room, unusual only in the long furry appen- dage hanging out of his pants. "These nice men are here to remove your tail," explained the sysperson. Then, biscuit in hand, she trundled off towards the heel of her house. Meanwhile, Sodacan took care of the minor detail, and Henry ran back to his playmates with quite a tale to tell them. In a couple of hours the little old lady returned and said, "You're all set. Off you go." "Alright. Thank you. Loop, do you remember the formula I used to open the gate?" "Yup." Either there was something in the tea, or the smell of sweatsocks was definitely getting to him, for Sodacan said, "Al- right, you try and open the gate." The eau du sweatsock got Loop, too, or he was using a faulty logic chip, for he said, in an effort to start with a clean slate, "RM *!!!" Suddenly, everything disappeared... ********COME BACK NEXT TIME, WHEN YOU MAY OR MAY NOT FIND OUT******** *******WHETHER SODACAN AND LOOP EVER MANAGE TO PULL THEMSELVES******* **********************OUT OF THIS UNHOLY MESS!!!********************* also... IS THERE ANY OUT?? WILL LOOP SURVIVE SODACAN'S SUBSEQUENT 'IRRITATION'?? WILL ANY JURY CONVICT SODACAN OF MORE THAN 'JUSTIFIED HOMICIDE'?? The answers to these, and many other, questions (like "is it funny?") may, or may not, be found in EpicII.V (if I ever write it, if I survive this one, etc.,) same blat-line, same blat-space (lost in). Tune in next time!!!