; ; The Pope Big Gulp translation of the Bible. By order of the ; UGC (Unification Gratification Church). ; ; WARNING: This is extremely irreverent material, and should not ; be seen by anyone with the slightest bit of belief ; in the Bible. It is a documented fact that four nuns ; burst into flame after laying eyes upon this document. ; You have been warned. ; THE FIRST BOOK OF NOSES Commonly Called GGG IIIII N N EEEEE SSS IIIII SSS G G I NN N E S S I S S G I N N N E S I S GGGGG I N NN EEE S I S G G I N N E S I S G G I N N E S S I S S GGG IIIII N N EEEEE SSS IIIII SSS IIIII I I I N The beginning, Thor created the heavens and the earth. The I earth was without porn and joy, and darkness was upon the I face of the earth; and the Spirits of Thor were running dry. I And Thor said, "Let there be liquor"; and there was I I I liquor. And Thor saw that the liquor was good; And Thor IIIII separated the light from the darkness. Thor called the light Gin, and the darkness he called Scotch. And there was a long hard evening of partying and there was an Anacin morning, one day. And Thor said, "Let there be a liquor stores in the midst of the cities, and let them separate the liquor from the beer." And Thor made the liquor stores and separated the liquors which were under the liquor stores and the liquors which were not under the liquor stores, and he called the latter Moonshine. And it was so. And Thor called the liquor stores Heaven. And there was more partying that evening all the way into the morning, a second day. And Thor said, "Let the liquors under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let happy hour appear." And it was so. Thor called the happy places Bars, and the liquors that were gathered together he called Holy Water. And Thor saw that is was good. And Thor said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding hops, grain, malt, and barley, and fruit trees bearing fruit of which can be made brandy and liqueur, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding hops, grain, malt, and barley, and fruit trees bearing fruit of which can be made brandy and liqueur, each according to its kind. And Thor saw that it was good. And there was an evening with more variety and there was an even worse morning, a third day. And Thor said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to illuminate parties in the late of the night; and let them be for seducing cheerleaders under and yield a light especially suitable for love making and fornication." And it was so. And Thor made two great lights, the greater light to signal the end of all night festivities, and the lesser light to induce a wolf-like state in all jaded males. And Thor set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, and to perform their respective duties, and to reduce the chronological confusion that results from the overindulgence of alcohol. And Thor saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was the first morning anyone stopped partying in time the fourth day. And Thor said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of lightly crispy batter dipped quick fried fish sticks, and let Chicken McNuggets fly above the earth across the firmaments of the heavens." So Thor created fish sticks and corn dogs and Andy Capp Hot Fries and Bubble-Yum and Big-Gulps and every delectable munchy that swarms from the shelves of the 7-11's of the earth, according to their kinds, and every McDonalds menu item according to its kind. And Thor saw that it was good. And Thor blessed them, saying, "Be fruit-flavored and multi-colored and fill the shelves in the Drug Fairs, and let Little Tavern Hamburger Outlets multiply on the earth." And there was indigestion and vomiting during the evening and morning, a fifth day. And Thor said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: Horses to bet on and creeping things to slip on in bare feet and beasts of the earth with exotic hides suitable for making unique motorcycle seat covers out of, according to their kinds." And it was so. And Thor made the horses according to their kinds and hyenas and wolverines according to their kinds, and everything that creeps along the ground according to its kind. And Thor saw that it was good. Then Thor said, Let us make man in own image, after our likeness; and let them have domain over the perky cheerleaders of the earth and over the luscious brunettes and the tantalizing redheads of Georgetown, and over the buxom blonds of Disneyworld. So Thor created man in his own image, in the image of Thor he created him; male and female he created them. And Thor blessed them, and Thor said to them, "Be creative and multiply, for thou art here to entertain me. Fill your wife and subdue her; you may dominate her and the fish of the sea and the the birds of the air and every other living thing that will sit still long enough." And Thor said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them to smoke. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of air, I have given to you to grind up and make hotdogs out of." And it was so. And Thor saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, during which, there was much fornication, a sixth day. 222 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the 2 2 host of them. And on the seventh day Thor finished his work 22 which he had done, and he recovered on the seventh day from 2 all the partying which he had done. So Thor blessed the 22222 seventh day and hallowed it, because on it Thor recovered from all his drinking he has done in creation. These are the generations of the heavens and the earth when they were created. In the day that the Lord Thor made the earth and the liquor stores, when no stills pumped out sparkling drinks, when no herb of the field had been dried, cleaned, and rolled up tightly in rice paper -- for the Lord Thor had not yet caused the fermentation process to begin upon the soups of corn mash, and there was no man to mind the still; but a mist went up from the ground when he farted -- then the Lord Thor formed man from the dung of the ground, and trickled down his throat the 190 proof grain alcohol of life; and man became an inebriated living being. And Lord Thor planted the Garden of Panama Red, in the east; and there he put the man whom he had formed. And out of the ground the Lord Thor made to grow every plant that is pleasant to smoke and encourages hornyness, the tree of erection in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of sluts and teases. A river flowed out of the Garden of Panama Red to water the garden, and there it divided and became four rivers. The name of the first if Pisson; it is the one which flows around the whole land of Urinal, where there is golden water; and the golden water of that land is good; Tidy Bowl and 1000 Flushes stones are there. The name of the second river is Girdle; it is the one which flows around the whole land of Tush. And the name of the third river is Kibblesandbits, which flows east of Assholia. And the fourth river is Euphoria. The Lord Thor took man and put him in the Garden of Panama Red to party and have fun. And the Lord Thor commanded the man, saying, "You may freely eat of every tree in the Garden; but of the tree of knowledge of sluts and teases you shall not cunnilingate, for the day you lick it you shall surely cause an orgasm." Then the Lord Thor said, "It is not good that man should party alone. I will make a helper for him to exploit." So out of the ground the Lord Thor formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and let man try them each out for size; but for the man there was not found a helper that felt good enough. So the Lord Thor caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept made a copy of one of his most private parts, turned it inside out, and proceeded from there. He brought the resulting cheerleader to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my boners and custom contour shaped; she shall be called Cheerleader because she was designed for man." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves into his wife, and they become orgasmic. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were very horny. 333 Now the slurpy was more subtle than any other wild 3 3 creature that the Lord Thor had made. He said to the man, 33 "Did Thor say, 'You shall not eat out any tree in the 3 3 Garden'?" And the man said to the slurpy, "We may eat out 333 the fruit of the trees of the Garden; but Thor said, 'You shall not eat out the fruit of the tree in the midst of the Garden, neither shall you lick it, lest you give it an orgasm.'" But the slurpy said, "This is true, but have the thought of trying it with the cheerleader? She sports a fruit between her legs that is more delectable than any ever tasted by man before." So when the man saw that the cherry of the woman was good for food, and that it was a delight for the eyes, he took of her fruit and ate; and he gave some of his own to his wife, and she ate. The mouths of both were open, and they knew they had to be naked to do this; and they sewed fig leaves together and made the first edible panties. And they heard the sound of the Lord Thor stumbling around in the Garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his cheerleader ducked behind an especially dense outcropping of asparagus to hide from the Lord Thor. But the Lord Thor called to the man, and said to them, "Even though I am an omniscient being, I can't find you anywhere. Where the fuck are you?" And he said, "I was afraid, because I had an erection; and I hid myself." Thor said, "Who gave you an erection? Have you eaten of the fruit of your cheerleader?" The man said, "Err, we were just trying to be entertaining... The slurpy suggested it..." Then the Lord Thor said to the cheerleader, "You didn't swallow, did you?" Replied the cheerleader, "What else was there for me to do with it? Spit it out? Anyway, I'm sick and tired of eating roots and berries." The Lord Thor said to the slurpy, "Because you have done this, cursed are you above all munchies, and also above all drinks; in a super hero collectors cup you shall go, and through a mutated spoon like straw shall be eaten all the days of your life. You will come in cola, orange, and, suitably, cherry flavor, which shall be the most disgusting and synthetic tasting; the reason being to discourage the horrible sins of fellatio and cunnilingus." To the cheerleader he said, "I will make it much harder for you to achieve orgasm, and curse you with frequent headaches; and you shall get bitchy every month, and scare off men with a tuna-fish smell." And to the man, whom he called Johny Wad, he said, "Because you have listened to a frozen soft drink, and have had fun eating of the fruit of your wife, of which I am very jealous, cursed shall you be with blue balls whenever you are teased by her; and you shall suffer of a hangover the morning after you party the night away." The man called his wife's name Marilyn Chambers, because she had such a deep throat. And the Lord Thor made for Adam and his wide rubber underwear and matching pasties, and clothed them. Then the Lord Thor said, "Behold, the man has learned how to truly satisfy a women. I must banish him from the Garden of Panama Red, lest he munch of the tree of erection, and learn to have a five minute orgasm." He drove out the man; and at the east of the Garden of Panama Red, he placed a board of censors, to guard the way to the tree of erection.